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MORE CARLINISMS
Why is it with any piece of home electronics equipment there are always a few buttons and switches you never use?
The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got into a fight over some neckwear.
"The friendly skies." "The skies are not cloudy." How is this possible? I look up, I see one sky.
Environmentalists changed the word "jungle" to "rain forest", because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with "swamps" and "wetlands."
It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
Sometimes on a rainy day I sit around and weed the losers out of my address book.
What exactly do you do when the Dalai Lama appears on "Nightline", and you're not satisfied with his answers?
Granola bars didn't sell very well when they were good for you. Now they have caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat, and sweeteners; and a small amount of oats and wheat. Sales picked up.
Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune: when the underclass riots in this country, they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
If you want to keep your dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple of times a week.
Something is dreadfully wrong in this country: There is now an "empathy breast." It is a wrap-around vest that has a pocket for placing the baby's bottle in. The new father wears it while "nursing" the baby. Jesus!
What a spot! You're in surgery, the anesthetic wears off, and as you wake up you realize that someone in surgical clothing is carrying one of your legs over to a garbage can. The surgeon, holding a large power saw, says, "We're out of anesthetic, but if you'll hold on real tight to the sides of that gurney, I'll have that other leg off in a jiffy."
I read that Domino's Pizza trucks have killed more than twenty people. And that's not counting the ones who eat the pizza.
A group of cult people has emerged who not only believe Elvis Presley is alive, but have decided that if they find him they will kill and skin him.
Ross Perot. Just what a nation of idiots needs: a short, loud idiot.
Something is dreadfully wrong in this country: there is actually an organization called Wrestlers Against Drugs, and on T.V. there is now a Christian weight-lifting tour.
I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.
Now the brainless New Age spiritual zombies are using bulldozers to vandalize the Ouachita National Forest in Arkansas in search of crystals. Nothing like that being-in-harmony-with-nature shit.
In some places, a seventeen-year-old girl needs a note for being absent from school, but she does not need one to get an abortion.
Regarding Mout Rushmore: the Black Hills are sacred Indian ground. Imagine the creepy feeling of four leering European faces staring at your ancestors for eternity.
There's a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still on the way. It's in the future. It hasn't arrived. Here it comes. Here it is . . . shit! It's gone.
Owing to a basic programming flaw, many computer calculations, including mortgages and pensions, will be thrown off by the arrival of the year 2000. It's because many computer programs use only the last two digits for calculating years. It will cost between 50 and 100 billion dollars to correct this mistake. I'm glad. I like anything that causes trouble.
A sure way to cure hiccups is to jam your fist down the affected person's throat and quickly open and close your hand several times. It relaxes the vega nerve.
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
I only respect horoscopes that are specifc: "Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus."
I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
Whenever I hear about a "peace-keeping force", I wonder, if they're so interested in peace, why do they use force?
No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?
I never watch "Sesame Street"; I know most of that stuff.
I read that somewhere out west recently a National Wilderness Area was closed for two days because it was too windy.
I like Florida; everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.
Why does "Filipino" start with an "F" and "Philippines" starts with "ph"?
We are conditioned to notice and emphasize the differences among ourselves, instead of the similarities. The corporate-style partitioning begins early in life: fetus, newborn, infant, toddler, preschool, lower school, middle school, junior high, senior high, pre-teen, teen. Get in your box and stay there!
I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: "People who smoke will eventually cough up small brown pieces of lung." And "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum known as the Caesarian section.
Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
You know what kind of cosmetic surgery you never hear about? Nose enlargement.
If you nail a tool shed closed, how to you put the hammer away?
What goes through a bird's mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display?
No one is ever completely alone; when all is said and done, you always have yourself.
When I'm working, and the television is on, I always tune in a program I like. If I'm going to ignore something, I want to be something I enjoy.
I admire an intelligent man with really unattractive, badly-stained and crooked teeth who makes a lot of money and still doesn't get his teeth fixed. It's an interesting choice.
Have you ever groped blindly through the middle of a packed suitcase trying to find something and then suddenly realized with horror that the razor blades had come unwrapped?
My phone number is seventeen. We got one of the early ones.
Did you ever notice how important the last bite of a candy bar is? All the while you're eating it, you're aware that you have less and less remaining. Then, as you get to the end, if something happens to that last piece, you feel really cheated.
Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, viscereal hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.
I'm very lucky. The only time I was ever up shit creek, I just happened to have a paddle with me.
The Japanese culture is very big on martial arts and spiritual disciplines. So when a guy tells me he is studying something that has a Japanese name, I know he has either embarked on a mystical journey or is learning how to break someone's neck with two fingers.
Why does it always take longer to go somewhere than it does to come back?
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
A recent story in the media said that some firemen in Chicago had refused to enter a burning building because it was too hot.
At what point in his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant?
We have mileage, yardage, and footage, why don't we have inchage?
Travel tip: Economy-section farts on an inbound flight from the Third World are the deadliest a traveler will ever encounter.
Great scientific discoveries: jiggling the toilet handle.
Why do they call it a garbage disposal? The stuff isn't garbage until after you dispose of it.
A cemetery is a place where dead people live.
"Let's stop underage drinking before it starts." Please explain this to me. It sounds tricky.
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
Hard work is for people short on talent.
The news story said someone had overcome a fatal disease. Wow!
Recently, in a public bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As I emerged, a man in a wheelchair asked me indignantly, "Are you handicapped?" Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, "Not now. But I was before I went in there."
A Bible makes a delicious meal. Simply rub with olive oil and minced garlic, and bake one hour in a 375-degree oven. Serve with oven-roasted potatoes and a small tossed salad. Dee-lish!
Threatening postcard: "Wish you were here, but if you come here I will kill you!"
Recent polls reveal that some people have never been polled. Until recently.
Did you ever run over somebody with your car? And then you panic? So you back up and run over them again? Did you notice the second crunch was not quite as loud?
I read about a woman who had sixty-three distinct personalities. Jesus! It would take long enough just finding out how everyone was feeling in the morning, can you imagine trying to plan a vacation?
Have you noticed, whenever there's a problem in this country they get a bunch of celebrities or children together to sing a song about it? Drought, famine, drugs; they sing a song about it. This is an idea that grew out of the 60's peace movement. The idea then was that if enough "good" people sang, chanted, and held hands, all the "evil" people would give up their money, weapons, and power. Worked great, didn't it?
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
After the year 2000, I hope the crime of the century happens real soon, so I get to read about it.
One time, a few years ago, Oprah had a show about women who fake orgasms. Not to be outdone, Geraldo came right back with a show about men who fake bowel movements.
It is now possible for a child to have five parents: sperm donor, egg donor, the surrogate mother who carries the fetus, and two adoptive parents. It renders the statement "He has his mother's eyes" rather meaningless.
The new, modern Swiss Army Knife has an ear-piercing tool and a roach clip.
It's hard for me to believe that the small amount of water I take from the water cooler can produce such a large bubble.
Infant crib death is caused by grandparents' breath.
I've always wanted to place a personal ad no one would answer: "Elderly, depressed, accident-prone junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh music, seeking rich, well-built, oversexed, female deaf mute in her late teens. Must be nonsmoker."
On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
Some people see things that are and ask, "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask, "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.
What year did Jesus think it was?
I enjoy going to a party at one of the Kennedys' homes, dropping to the floor, and yelling, "Hit the deck, he's got a gun!"
Life is a near-death experience.
Amy Vanderbilt, the foremost authority on etiquette, committed suicide and apparently didn't have the courtesy to leave a note.
When primitive people practice the rain dance, does it rain at the end of practice? And if it doesn't, how do they know they did the dance correctly?
Medical Progress: The medical profession is only now beginning to concede that maybe, just maybe, nutrition has something to do with good health. And that maybe, just maybe, the mind is somehow mysteriously linked to the body. Of course, there's not much money in such thinking.
If you mail a letter to your mailman, will he get it before he's supposed to?
I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.
President Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was some time after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
McDonald's "breakfast for under a dollar" actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.
If you fall asleep on the couch in a house where a woman is present, there will be a blanket or a coat covering you when you awaken.
When a masochist brings someone home from the bar, does he say, "Excuse me a moment, I'm going to slip into something uncomfortable"?
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