im hot shit

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NOW...This aint no pack o'lies.
i dont care what you've see or read about me over the past few years, you shouldnt believe anything you hear in the media, you twat. It was like this...

My dad was a bastard. He left my mum for dead after he shagged her. the first words i ever said were "Cauliflower Penis." Mum made me scrub my mouth out vigorously with Vim. My first memory of school was when i pissed in my pants in the assembly and tried to blame it on Robert Wiggins. When i was seven I started a massive collection of novelty pencil sharpeners (the collection is now housed in the National Museum of Modern Pencil Sharpeners, Sydney). At ten my cigarette smoking had become so profuse that i had to volunteer myself for lung and throat tissue grafts (at my local scientific fags and cigars testing laboratories) to raise money for more snout.

By the time i was 16 there was only one thing in life that i wanted to do- join the army:big guns, fighting, blood, drinking, death, glory, gore, medals, armoured cars, mixed showers, severed limbs, screaming comrades, and three squares a day. i simply just could not wait. Mum hollered and cried that i shouldnt go. She said that it was the worst thing i could possibly do and that i didnt know what i was letting myself in for. She told me that there were things there that I didn’t ought to know about. Jesus, i said, im only joining the motherfucking army. So I left home, dressed up as a man and marched into the recruiting office, where I was promptly told to fuck right off. Undeterred I returned a year later dressed as a woman and was swiftly accepted as ‘Private R. Buck, 00023 69 633’ of the Territorial Bog Cleaning Division of Fort Paintball, Quensland. I scrubbed those lavs for two whole years, sometimes with my own toothbrush, sometimes with a friend. My best mate during those days was a reformed bricklayer called Julie. He was very small and came in handy for climbing into the lavs and cleaning under the rim. At night we would gamble away our Spam rations on fast games of dominos. And when in a carefree, happy-go-lucky kinda mood he would swap me his supply of snout for a quick handy shandy. Jeez those two years sure did drag on…(to be continued)



HEY!!!! SO ME AND THESE OTHER CATS MAKE VIDEOS OF...US, AND STUFF. I AINT SAYIN THEYRE GREAT OR NUTHIN BUT YOU SHOULD STILL CHECK THEM OUT...YOU MAY LAUGH, OR GIGGLE...WHATEVER THE FUCK...ANYWAYS THEYRE IN MY STASH OR GO TO YOUTUBE.COM AND SEARCH 'ADULT DIAPERS' OR 'PIZZA DELIVERY' THEN...CLICK THE POSTERS NAME (AMCOLLINS) AND SUBSCRIBE AND SHIT CAUSE WE ARE SWELL...AND SO ARE YOUS.